Cosmic two by four
So this week I got to experience a cosmic two by four. The end result of ignoring self-care was a nasty case of walking pneumonia exacerbated by acute asthma. In case you were wondering why I haven’t posted in so long…. I was ignoring the cold, then the bronchitis that lead up to the other stuff. I’m not going to pretend there wasn’t a good reason (hello, minister at Christmas?) and I’m really not going to pretend there wasn’t a great breakthrough and blessing from it all.
In the midst of the experience, with the side effect of high anxiety from the medication that was keeping my lungs open, I realized that most of my anxiety came from not being at work. How would I have any worth if I wasn’t producing? I would get fired. My sister would have no reason to speak to me ever again because I’d lose the house. People would hate me for not being there during the crisis that came up while I was down for the count. What kind of horrible person takes a nap while others are suffering and responsibilities are being ignored? Remember please, that I was heavily medicated with a stimulant known to cause anxiety. What sounds ridiculous in the light of day had to get very real for me in the moment of darkness for me to hear it.Maybe I had to get that far out of my own mind to hear the whispers from my subconscious, but hear it I did. And of course it shocked me back into rationality (thank God!).
For many of us, it’s not the things we think we believe that get us into trouble. It’s the little assumptions and underlying, completely unconscious beliefs that are at work behind the scenes that create havoc in our lives. I know I’m hyper-responsible and that’s probably not something I should beat myself up over not having resolved yet. I can put the brakes on that though by being conscious of when I’m doing it, when that “work= worth” belief is at work in my life and is guiding my behavior.
Now… this is a short post but it’s also my first day back. I’m going to go home and take another nap.